I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
