at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
