grandma shit on top of the toilet
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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