Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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