It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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