i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America