If that was your dad, he is hot
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today