Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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