I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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