Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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