Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
