Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
