Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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