i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
