Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
