the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
