forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
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I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
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I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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