U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
stop calling my apartment porn island.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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