I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
