I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
