you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Actions speak louder than pants.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
