Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
