I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
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Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
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Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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