woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
