my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
