Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Come on in and take your pants off
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