I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
