he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
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You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
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I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.