He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
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I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
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There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.