i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
