you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
