woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
