the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i dont even know how to be here
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
