I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
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are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
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Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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