How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
