I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
