I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
