Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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