drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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