Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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