Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I've blown a few things in my day
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Can't talk, ducks in the car