I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it