Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
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I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
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My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you