I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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