and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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