i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
