hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
don't judge my taste in strippers
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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