Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
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He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
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He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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