i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
