don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
