I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
