hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i drank out of a bidet.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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