I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize