Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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