Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
