i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
