No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Sorry my hands just texted you
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
