i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
