im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
