The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
