mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
