I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
