sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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