I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
